Nightmares

So, since I've been up today, all I can think about is this horrific nightmare I had last night. When I awoke, I recounted the details to my boyfriend and had already lost a lot of them. But, I do want to blog about the bulk of it, what I do remember. I know nobody wants to read a dream and that is okay, I'm doing it mostly for me. I just have to write this down. It's bizarre. I don't remember ever feeling pain in a dream before, and definitely not an excruciating pain. I think that is why it strikes me as so odd. I remember being with someone that was sick, it was someone I loved dearly, though I don't recollect it being a familiar face. The person was a close friend or a relative in my dream, though not representative in physical likeness of anyone I know as far as I can tell. I had a heart attack. I don't know how I knew it was a heart attack in my dream, but in my dream it was and I knew it. However, looking back through the lenses of reality, it wasn't very much like what I understand a heart attack to be, but I digress. My chest hurt. Badly. I couldn't breathe and it felt like somebody had knocked the breath out of me and like my chest was going to explode simultaneously. Everything immediately started to waver in a pain-induced dream-like fashion and we called for help (whoever 'we' were, because it seems as though there were more than just this loved one). I staggered out of this room (which seems to have been a shop of sorts, I remember plants being there but who knows) and there was a staircase that basically went up, had a platform of maybe 5 yards and descended again, but when we walked out of the room, shop etc it was no longer in the picture and we were toward the top of the stairs. The paramedics took forever. Literally, forever. I was in agony. Everything felt heavy and hurt. Now is where I can't find all the pieces for a second. I had what seemed to be an out of body experience where I was watching myself (though it wasn't me I was watching) and a man said he was going to open me up and prepare me for surgery so a. I would be more serious and the ambulance would hurry and b. I'd be ready for surgery, and if the paramedics absolutely had to operate, they wouldn't have to waste any more time. I don't remember pain from that period, because I was watching, but the next thing I know - when I was in my own body - having a towel of sorts wrapped around my waist. I looked down and saw no blood or no gaping holes in my chest. Then, a guy who was there who was presumably a friend pointed out a gigantic puddle of deep red blood beneath me. He unwrapped the towel and there was a v-shaped surgically deep cut in my left thigh. Apparently this was where they would go in to do the surgery (who knew!? lol). The paramedics still hadn't come so I either climbed the stairs or had already made it to the top, I don't remember. But they came with a stretcher used strictly for people on stairs and when they got to the top they realized they had to go back and get another stretcher. So they left. After waiting for a long, long time and growing out of breath, we began to descend the stairs. My leg had a stabbing burning pain in it and i was hunched over because I couldn't catch my breath. The ill person who was with me could either help me get to help but die in the process because it was too much for her, or stay and let me possibly die because apparently help wasn't coming back. She helped me down and we went to a restaurant that was nearby. Maybe we were in an airport. Anyway, I tried to ask people if they could help, but I couldn't talk. I was like dying Yoda, straining to get anything out. I asked whomever was with me to ask if there was a doctor there. Nobody. Then we asked if anyone had pain killers. In my dream I thought that'd be a bad idea since I would have surgery soon, but nobody had any to offer anyway. Then, we asked if there was a paramedic, and there was but I don't remember anything after that except I came to randomly my first day back to work where there was a welcome-home-we're-glad-you're-alive party. My loved one had died and I hadn't thought about it too much because crying made me physically hurt. The rest is less important. I came home and my room was gone and a bunch of friends were in from out of town and some of my other friends had joined a band where they dress like a cross between Devo and Skeeter from Doug and like Rolly Derber-ers. Weird. I was so damaged though, mentally and physically that I wasn't very into it.

Anyway, I left out a lot but my point is - I never feel pain in dreams and this was one of the worst pains I'd ever felt. WTF. Crazy.

Ok, I GOT to quit blog hopping. Had to log into blogger earlier today and I need to get all my eggs in one basket. That basket being only one of my blogs. Which means, I gotta get my computer fixed. oh faithful three followers, do not fret, I will kick this one to the curb soonster. obviously my blog header needs to be changed. Desperately. Because I'm madly in love with a boy who tickles my fancy!

Boo.

It's getting bad.

I literally can't move.
I have a cold. Or the flu. Or something. My whole body aches, my eyes burn, my nose burns, my throat is sore, I don't have a voice and I can't move. I literally cannot move. I am so tired. I know that it isn't just being sick. I'm totally and wholly and completely drowning in depression and I think it is stupid.

I just read a recent post on 1000 Awesome Things blog.
It made me cry, but I guess that isn't the worst thing in the world.

I just want a home.

Dupate.

It's not 09 anymore and I seriously need to work on a new blog header. I don't have much to write about. I'm incredibly depressed and my anxiety has peaked to a point that I am almost unable to function in public. Despite all the negative things, and above all the toll it has taken on my body (I am so tired all the time I can barely stand it) ... It's not all bad.
I really have been trying to enforce the power of positive thinking. Well, I tried for about a week.
But here's the thing:
Being homeless has enabled me to lose weight. Not in an ideal fashion, but I'm actually stoked about being a little bit thinner... even a little bit!!
MY SAINTS ARE GOING TO THE MOTHERFUCKING SUPER BOWL!
Are you fucking serious? All I have to do is think that thought and for a moment, I am weightless. It's like... a thought-drug. I honestly can't believe it. Ohhhh Bandwagon Fans, too bad you are not feeling the sweet ecstasy that the true Who Dat Nation is feeling. Man oh man!
Also, my stepmom is in remission, her bone marrow transplant went well, the chemo didn't make her lose her hair this time, and she is living in an apartment in Dallas again instead of at the hospital. Sweeeeet.
Being homeless still sucks, but plasma city is enabling me to drive back and forth from ruston to west monroe.
Did I mention I'm unbearably tired? All the time?
Oh, that wasn't positive. My bad.
But I am.

Heath and I are getting along nicely. To be honest, I miss him. How could I not? I think it's just adding to everything... whatever.
Obi is getting groomed (this week, hopefully) and I get to hang out with him this weekend and I cannot wait! After Thursday morning I will be done (mostly) with my research paper for Dr. Martin (full length rough draft due) and I can relax and watch the super bowl and hang out with my puppy and hopefully have a really great weekend.
Eye doctor on monday which means I'm ordering new glasses yay!
And a haircut is looming in my very very near future. Like, a hair cut. the kind where some big change happens.
When I broke up with Erik I got my septum pierced and dyed my hair platinum blonde. I'm depressed again. I'm lonely (even with my great friends around) ... I figure a little change is just what I need.

I may chicken out though.... So, I guess that's something to wait for in itself.

I need to go to sleep now.
check out 1000awesomethings.com if you haven't already.
I like it.




Ohhhh, and I just finished The Great Gatsby.
And I read a short story called "A Walk to Forever" by Kurt Vonnegut and it inspired an interesting debate between Taylor and I. Someone else should read it so I can hear other opinions. Okee dokee.
Night night.

2009

Every year, at the end of the year, I recap the big points of each month. I haven't done some blog digging to pull out the others, which I should seriously consider putting into an anthology so that I can remind myself where I have been, what I have done, and what I have overcome. I find all of these things incredibly important in understanding who I am and what I'm about, but in the small moments in life, you never really consider that.... you certainly don't constantly ponder it as you go through the motions that are every day. I don't want to say that life is hard... because it is life. It is ultimately the only thing you do and we spend every day trying not to die... for the most part. But in the end, we live and we die. Sometimes it may SEEM like life is hard... but the only time life is truly hard is when you are truly FIGHTING for your life. I've been there, I've done the brink thing. I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon. Certainly not if I can help it.
I feel like I should be a better blogger so the memories are not so hard to fish out and everything doesn't run together like I feel that 2009 did. I feel like in 2009, everything sped by and happened and now I sit here trying to remember what was what and I can't. I don't know what is significant, because it is never the thing you expect to impact you the most that does impact you the most.

New Year's Eve post 2007. 10 pm:

We the People
I close the year with yet another fuck-up.
Goodwill after nostalgia after abuse after laugher.
It's so strange.
Not sure what to think of anything.
I feel like I should wade in silence til I know, but no telling when that would be so the silence thing is sure to expire as drunkeness further progresses.

Who watches School House Rock on New Year's Eve.

Genuinely, I don't know what to think.
I'm numb. I see something. I am something else. I feel something irrelevent.
I can't get my eyes from what I see, though.
And the rest numbly follows.

I'm floating through a state of mind.
So tragic, this all is.
Insightful, as well.
Insight is irreplacable.
It's priceless.


Sirens, and the night is young.

All over, tonight is going to be such an awful night for so many people.

You win some, you lose some.
I'm just saying. Noone ever seems to really get that.
Thought I'd mention it.
HAPPY fucking NEW year.

....
well, after sitting here for a while I guess a month by month recap will not be happening.
Basically the year started off with me madly in love. I had an apartment, my awesome cat, clinging to a few good friends for dear life, and I was back in school. The end of 2008 had thrown me some serious speed bumps, but I felt like I could do anything. School was challenging, I had been out for two years and I didn't know how to study anything. Heath and I spent most of the winter at Sundown or watching tv shows at our house. I was still working at Nifty, and getting decent hours. In February things went south with someone I cared about very much and I ultimately moved in with Heath. In the process of moving he broke my computer desk and promised me a new one. When we went to buy the new one, he bought the only desk I told him I hated and out of guilt he bought me a toy poodle puppy I named Obi-Wan Kenobe. I can only imagine you guys have heard me mention this little bundle of perfection a time or two (His birthday was Jan 3! Yay!) For a little while a close friend tried to hold ties, but that fell through. At some point in March or April I drove to Dallas to see my most best friend in the history of the world and then surprised my mom in Tulsa as she was getting ready to move into her very own (and very beautiful house!) Mom took me to look at cars while I was in Tulsa, which was exciting and said she would consider getting me one for my 21st birthday. Wow! That anticipation nearly killed me!! School went on and things got boring at home. In May, we received news that my stepmom had leukemia. Sobering and scary, and I didn't really know how to react. I hadn't spent much time at home in a while, because my car had a funny tire I couldn't afford to fix, but it was really crappy. Meanwhile, I've been sending my mom used cars from everywhere on the net in anticipation for my birthday. My stepmom was living in Dallas, and we received word right before my birthday that she was in total remission, which was so exciting! I turned 21 and Heath took me to the casino and I got a daquiri and sushi and then partied super hard at the bar.... For the record, it was the worst hangover of ALL TIME. swear. I flew to Tulsa the next day and got to see my momma's house and my new car sitting under her garage she had bought in May. That was exhilarating! Mom took me to the casino in Tulsa and I had a great week. I drove to Dallas from there and hung out with my BFF and got to see my stepmom, who was now living in an apartment in Dallas. Throughout the summer, Casey and I got closer and we had lots of adventures (never TOO crazy!) ... My stepmom had a bone marrow transplant and eventually got to come home after Mimi and Poppy did some major construction on the house, which was a total surprise to her! As the year went on, my stepmom was able to move home with weekly and then biweekly visits to Baylor, and my mom started dating her high school sweetheart, who eventually moved up to Oklahoma with her. He seems great and she seems happy, so that's all I could ask for. In July, I mourned a year without my grandfather. Fall quarter served me a tasty tray of Literary Theory and Criticism, which is supposedly the most challenging class in the English department, but I enjoyed it immensely, even though it ate every ounce of free time I had and I never got to see the group of friends which was quickly becoming the greatest Ruston family yet! The quarter came to an end and I pulled like 60 hours straight of staying awake, hallucinating, and making three a's and a b, which was my best quarter ever so it was totally worth it! The rest of the year was largely uneventful. Spent more time with my friends, but hours at work suffered considerably. I spent a lot of the summer with my sister and my niece and that was more than a little great! After Thanksgiving break, Casey and I started being scandalous in a fun way and here came Christmas. Heath and I broke up, which really sucked. I am not going to elaborate there, I miss my dog and I miss my cats and I don't have anywhere to live and no money to get a place or even with which to commute from Ruston to West Monroe to couch crash with the parents. Heath and I are still friends and I still think he is great, but it just wasn't working. Not right now. Monday after Christmas my stepmom went for her checkup in Dallas and they told us the cancer is back and now it's more chemo and another transplant looming in the future. I'll end my short and stupid recap with New Years Day which was spent with Kevin, Taylor, Jessica, Chase, Jordan, Casey and we ate a huge feast and watched Pawn Stars all day. It was super fun and I realized then how lucky I am to have such a great group of friends. Ines and I patched things up at the beginning of fall quarter, and largely I have nothing to complain about. Life is rough right now. I'm leeching off of everyone I care about and it really makes me feel like shit. I hate being broke and I would much rather be providing for the people in my life that really deserve than being a total mooch and feeling sad all the time. Good things have happened, not that I'm going to elaborate on here, but there are good going on surrounding me and I am grateful for them. For Christmas mom got me these great dishes I really wanted and I'm very sad I don't have an awesome magenta kitchen to put them in. I have surely left out a lot of things. Friends were married, had babies. My awesome awesome niece turned one. I realized how lucky I am to have parents that I really love and can really talk to, even if my adolescence was more than a little tormented.

I've pulled away from this year learning that nothing lasts forever. When you least expect someone to let you down, they're going to dropkick you faster than you can blink an eye. People will lie, cheat, and cut you down for their own personal gain, or simply to be childish and malicious. These are not the people worth worrying about. Discord is stupid. Music is everything. Friends are everything. So is family. I'm having a hard time dealing with everything right now, mostly with the fact that I am broke and swamped and the depression feels like it is gnawing at me. I know this will pass, it always does and I am dealing with the bad better than I have ever done so in my life. Maybe it is because it is nothing that I am not used to and I have simply learned to expect failure and disappointment. I'd like to think it is because my past experiences have taught me to deal more maturely and maybe I've learned to pepper my thinking with some of that optimism which I so willingly spew upon my friends and acquaintances. I taught myself to knit this year... sort of. And Obi came into my life, which was one of the highlights of my life so far. I've had man laughs, and I think they outweigh the tears for once. Not a day goes by that I don't fight back tears because I miss my grandfather so much. I miss my mom's family. I miss everyone that I'm not allowed to talk to or who have fallen away, but overall I'm doing well.

I've tried to balance my life and my mood, and when I think back to just a few years ago when I was suffering constantly and then making things worse on myself by dwelling on it, I smile. Maybe the lack of 'eventfulness' in this year is a mark that I stopped letting everything be such a big deal. There are so many highlights. I can count the lowlights on two hands... Maybe one if I would just shut up and start thinking like a grown person.

There is more I would like to say about it, and there are many more past blogs, peppered throughout cyberland that I would like to share, but that is for another day.

I hope everyone had a great New Years. I'm leaving out more than a lot... but that's okay. Yep.

Have a fantastic night, children. =D

Bloggalicious in the New Year!

Okay. I officially feel completely disorganized across the internet.
Earlier in the year I began to participate in a blog that was basically a group of women who each posted one picture a day for 365 days. It was fun and very interesting, but life got crazy and I got lazy and I stopped uploading my pics. NOW I am really regretting it because SO MUCH has happened in the past year. Every year (typically on New Year's Eve) I recap the entire year in a blog entry. However, after switching from xanga to diary-x, diary-x stopped being a diary and all my blogs were lost. So I switched to blogger and/or wordpress. I haven't really kept up with a blog consistently since then. SO, I've decided to challenge myself to post a picture every day in 2010.
My first order of business is to decide whether I want to continue blogging on Blogger but I really like the way tumblr looks. However, I know how to navigate Blogger (I have my music playlist, I have my links, I can easily change my header, etc.) PLUS it's google powered and I can interact with other Blogger users more easily, and my photos are already saved in Picasa. Then there's the choice of keeping this blog or starting another under my username for 2009 since I don't like the blog name I have write now.

I'm actually going to try to get involved in some online communities in the next year, so that I can better exchange stories, ideas, experiences, etc with fellow bloggers...

Really that's all. Feedback is welcome. Also, I've been meaning to make my Blogger not look like it sucks... but you know... I'm lazy. I will make a new header soon. I need a new name for my blog. My url looks stupid even as I go to my blog just to listen to music. Yep.

Hold On To Your Hats, Folks!

Really? Need I say ANYTHING?
If you didn't laugh, then... Well, I don't know.