Every year, at the end of the year, I recap the big points of each month. I haven't done some blog digging to pull out the others, which I should seriously consider putting into an anthology so that I can remind myself where I have been, what I have done, and what I have overcome. I find all of these things incredibly important in understanding who I am and what I'm about, but in the small moments in life, you never really consider that.... you certainly don't constantly ponder it as you go through the motions that are every day. I don't want to say that life is hard... because it is life. It is ultimately the only thing you do and we spend every day trying not to die... for the most part. But in the end, we live and we die. Sometimes it may SEEM like life is hard... but the only time life is truly hard is when you are truly FIGHTING for your life. I've been there, I've done the brink thing. I don't think I'll be doing that again anytime soon. Certainly not if I can help it.
I feel like I should be a better blogger so the memories are not so hard to fish out and everything doesn't run together like I feel that 2009 did. I feel like in 2009, everything sped by and happened and now I sit here trying to remember what was what and I can't. I don't know what is significant, because it is never the thing you expect to impact you the most that does impact you the most.
New Year's Eve post 2007. 10 pm:
We the People
I close the year with yet another fuck-up.
Goodwill after nostalgia after abuse after laugher.
It's so strange.
Not sure what to think of anything.
I feel like I should wade in silence til I know, but no telling when that would be so the silence thing is sure to expire as drunkeness further progresses.
Who watches School House Rock on New Year's Eve.
Genuinely, I don't know what to think.
I'm numb. I see something. I am something else. I feel something irrelevent.
I can't get my eyes from what I see, though.
And the rest numbly follows.
I'm floating through a state of mind.
So tragic, this all is.
Insightful, as well.
Insight is irreplacable.
It's priceless.
Sirens, and the night is young.
All over, tonight is going to be such an awful night for so many people.
You win some, you lose some.
I'm just saying. Noone ever seems to really get that.
Thought I'd mention it.
HAPPY fucking NEW year.
....
well, after sitting here for a while I guess a month by month recap will not be happening.
Basically the year started off with me madly in love. I had an apartment, my awesome cat, clinging to a few good friends for dear life, and I was back in school. The end of 2008 had thrown me some serious speed bumps, but I felt like I could do anything. School was challenging, I had been out for two years and I didn't know how to study anything. Heath and I spent most of the winter at Sundown or watching tv shows at our house. I was still working at Nifty, and getting decent hours. In February things went south with someone I cared about very much and I ultimately moved in with Heath. In the process of moving he broke my computer desk and promised me a new one. When we went to buy the new one, he bought the only desk I told him I hated and out of guilt he bought me a toy poodle puppy I named Obi-Wan Kenobe. I can only imagine you guys have heard me mention this little bundle of perfection a time or two (His birthday was Jan 3! Yay!) For a little while a close friend tried to hold ties, but that fell through. At some point in March or April I drove to Dallas to see my most best friend in the history of the world and then surprised my mom in Tulsa as she was getting ready to move into her very own (and very beautiful house!) Mom took me to look at cars while I was in Tulsa, which was exciting and said she would consider getting me one for my 21st birthday. Wow! That anticipation nearly killed me!! School went on and things got boring at home. In May, we received news that my stepmom had leukemia. Sobering and scary, and I didn't really know how to react. I hadn't spent much time at home in a while, because my car had a funny tire I couldn't afford to fix, but it was really crappy. Meanwhile, I've been sending my mom used cars from everywhere on the net in anticipation for my birthday. My stepmom was living in Dallas, and we received word right before my birthday that she was in total remission, which was so exciting! I turned 21 and Heath took me to the casino and I got a daquiri and sushi and then partied super hard at the bar.... For the record, it was the worst hangover of ALL TIME. swear. I flew to Tulsa the next day and got to see my momma's house and my new car sitting under her garage she had bought in May. That was exhilarating! Mom took me to the casino in Tulsa and I had a great week. I drove to Dallas from there and hung out with my BFF and got to see my stepmom, who was now living in an apartment in Dallas. Throughout the summer, Casey and I got closer and we had lots of adventures (never TOO crazy!) ... My stepmom had a bone marrow transplant and eventually got to come home after Mimi and Poppy did some major construction on the house, which was a total surprise to her! As the year went on, my stepmom was able to move home with weekly and then biweekly visits to Baylor, and my mom started dating her high school sweetheart, who eventually moved up to Oklahoma with her. He seems great and she seems happy, so that's all I could ask for. In July, I mourned a year without my grandfather. Fall quarter served me a tasty tray of Literary Theory and Criticism, which is supposedly the most challenging class in the English department, but I enjoyed it immensely, even though it ate every ounce of free time I had and I never got to see the group of friends which was quickly becoming the greatest Ruston family yet! The quarter came to an end and I pulled like 60 hours straight of staying awake, hallucinating, and making three a's and a b, which was my best quarter ever so it was totally worth it! The rest of the year was largely uneventful. Spent more time with my friends, but hours at work suffered considerably. I spent a lot of the summer with my sister and my niece and that was more than a little great! After Thanksgiving break, Casey and I started being scandalous in a fun way and here came Christmas. Heath and I broke up, which really sucked. I am not going to elaborate there, I miss my dog and I miss my cats and I don't have anywhere to live and no money to get a place or even with which to commute from Ruston to West Monroe to couch crash with the parents. Heath and I are still friends and I still think he is great, but it just wasn't working. Not right now. Monday after Christmas my stepmom went for her checkup in Dallas and they told us the cancer is back and now it's more chemo and another transplant looming in the future. I'll end my short and stupid recap with New Years Day which was spent with Kevin, Taylor, Jessica, Chase, Jordan, Casey and we ate a huge feast and watched Pawn Stars all day. It was super fun and I realized then how lucky I am to have such a great group of friends. Ines and I patched things up at the beginning of fall quarter, and largely I have nothing to complain about. Life is rough right now. I'm leeching off of everyone I care about and it really makes me feel like shit. I hate being broke and I would much rather be providing for the people in my life that really deserve than being a total mooch and feeling sad all the time. Good things have happened, not that I'm going to elaborate on here, but there are good going on surrounding me and I am grateful for them. For Christmas mom got me these great dishes I really wanted and I'm very sad I don't have an awesome magenta kitchen to put them in. I have surely left out a lot of things. Friends were married, had babies. My awesome awesome niece turned one. I realized how lucky I am to have parents that I really love and can really talk to, even if my adolescence was more than a little tormented.
I've pulled away from this year learning that nothing lasts forever. When you least expect someone to let you down, they're going to dropkick you faster than you can blink an eye. People will lie, cheat, and cut you down for their own personal gain, or simply to be childish and malicious. These are not the people worth worrying about. Discord is stupid. Music is everything. Friends are everything. So is family. I'm having a hard time dealing with everything right now, mostly with the fact that I am broke and swamped and the depression feels like it is gnawing at me. I know this will pass, it always does and I am dealing with the bad better than I have ever done so in my life. Maybe it is because it is nothing that I am not used to and I have simply learned to expect failure and disappointment. I'd like to think it is because my past experiences have taught me to deal more maturely and maybe I've learned to pepper my thinking with some of that optimism which I so willingly spew upon my friends and acquaintances. I taught myself to knit this year... sort of. And Obi came into my life, which was one of the highlights of my life so far. I've had man laughs, and I think they outweigh the tears for once. Not a day goes by that I don't fight back tears because I miss my grandfather so much. I miss my mom's family. I miss everyone that I'm not allowed to talk to or who have fallen away, but overall I'm doing well.
I've tried to balance my life and my mood, and when I think back to just a few years ago when I was suffering constantly and then making things worse on myself by dwelling on it, I smile. Maybe the lack of 'eventfulness' in this year is a mark that I stopped letting everything be such a big deal. There are so many highlights. I can count the lowlights on two hands... Maybe one if I would just shut up and start thinking like a grown person.
There is more I would like to say about it, and there are many more past blogs, peppered throughout cyberland that I would like to share, but that is for another day.
I hope everyone had a great New Years. I'm leaving out more than a lot... but that's okay. Yep.
Have a fantastic night, children. =D
